April-Cakes on DeviantArthttps://www.deviantart.com/april-cakes/art/Lost-It-All-423025028April-Cakes

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Lost It All

Published: Dec 29, 2013

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"Then I lost it all
Dead and broken.
My back's against the wall.
Cut me open.
I'm just trying to breathe,
Just trying to figure it out
Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down.
I said, "Then I lost it all."
And who can save me now?"

Alright. I half way feel the need to explain this. First, I wanted an ID picture for DA. Second, I started this... two or three weeks ago... I was pissed and upset and I wanted to draw Painted Affection as vent art. I got so mad while working on it that I just gave up and forgot about it. I found it earlier tonight while clearing out my desktop and finally realized what I wanted to do with it.

Now, for the deeper meaning of this I suppose. The strange misproportioned girl in the image is me. Im short, my hands and feet are way to small, my face is weird, and Im fat. Im not happy with how I look, I never really have been either. And no, Im not talking about just the weight either. As a whole, I am not happy with myself, inside and out. I try so hard to be the very best I can, for everyone around me, so that they hopefully won't see me as I see myself. A lot of the times I feel like Im falling, and that Im lost. Like.. I dunno, the best way I can say it is a lot of the times I just want to quit. Go back to a time when things were simpler, when the world was always full of wonder. When I didnt know about the monsters under the bed.

For the past month or so, these feelings have been progressively getting worse and worse. I just... don't feel like Im functioning right. I feel, seperated from and below everyone and everything. Art has been getting harder and harder for me as of lately because as I mentioned before, Im so ready to give up on everything. I have come to a lot of realizations this past year and a lot of things have happened as well. And as much as I hate change I am ready for the new year to begin. Im ready to stop feeling so lost and so helpless. And most of all Im ready to be happy again, I dont want to be sad, discouraged, and lonely anymore.

Now how all this incorporates into the art. The girl is a literal self portrait of me, and the pony is my Ponysona. The girl is falling with her arms outstretched, this is me attempting to let go of everything and "fall" out of my depression. Trying to let all of it go. As for the pony (Paint) she is nervous, afraid, and vulnerable. Not sure what to do about anything and just realizing that its time to rise to greater heights. The starry background? Yeah it has meaning too, basically, no matter how dark things get, there will always be a light, which will help you to see the greater things. Help you to smile and look forward to the next sunrise, as well as to remember everything from the past. Stars are like memories to me, there are so many broken, fragmented, and fallen ones. Some that would be better off forgotten, and then there are the ones that shine so bright, like the north star and the moon to comfort you in the dark, let you know you arent alone. And that someday, somehow, and someway it will all be okay again.

Im so sorry for the long rant... there has just been a lot on my mind as of lately. I hope you all enjoy the art despite how atrocious it is. And thank you to anyone who took the time to read everything. Really. It means a lot to me.

Art © =ApriIIynne (Me)

Painted Affection & Me © =ApriIIynne (Me)

Lyrics from Lost It All by Black Veil Brides

You do not have permission to repost, trace, or use this peice of art!

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Comments8

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Reixxie

Dec 31, 2013

Love, I understand completely. I'm in the same boat as you, in more ways than you know. And things will get better for both of us, cause if there's anything I know, it's that even if no one else is there to help us through it, we're there for each other. Not only that, you have ~Vowkronos and I have ~SonicFanatic9, and they're both awesome enough to put up with all our shit and see past what we see in ourselves to the us that we're too blind to. In all honesty, I think you win there, cause as much as I love Sonic, he doesn't have the same sweet streak yours has all the freakin' time. His comes in bursts lol

Now, past that, to the artwork itself.

I can't offer advice for the face, by any means. The profile is the bane of my existence as well, so if you ever find any tips to draw a human face in that pov, dear god tell me. The hands.. Actually are properly proportioned, knowing you myself. You did a great job on them.

You need to practice the wrinkles in clothes though. I'd recommend looking at photos, try to mimic how they fall on the form in them. If you do another self portrait, fuck, have ~Vowkronos take a picture of you (in the pose if possible) and go from that. Remember me having ~Amhu posing in the library in high school? That shit helps tremendously! The body is a tricky thing, and the clothes become even trickier cause of how they cling. If the pictures don't help, or you can't get the pose, all I can say is try some tutorials. I know there are a bunch of good ones floating around dA. I picked it up at random, after years of not even having a clue, but that was just noting where I see fabric bunch up on myself and noting how it's almost always a hard angle and that it has a habit of folding in on itself.

I have nothing to offer on Paint. She looks beautiful, and you did a great job on her. The only thing I would say is that feathered wings tend to be fluffier, try approaching them kinda similar to hair sometime, while keeping the general shape. See where that takes you.

You did a beautiful job on this, April.

And don't forget, I love you. ♥